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I want to go home...
But where is home? It doesn't feel like here right now. And when I think of Ft. Lauderdale, so much has changed in a year that it doesn't feel like home either. But I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and right now---that's not here.
Funny what a difference a couple of days makes, isn't it?
Yesterday started out okay, work went okay, got off early (use it or lose it time) and went home and got a few things accomplished. Was going to fix supper then settle in and seriously work on some fic while hubby mired himself in the last (thank the gods) of the college football games.
Nice plan, eh?
Then he came home. It was great at first, he suggested we go out to eat. I was putting my shoes back on and getting a sweater on when I made my big mistake. And I really should know better by now--
I don't know what I was thinking, saying it out loud. That I'd get support or something, I guess.
I said I was going to try, after the first of the year, to get some weight off. And my husband, the person who supposedly loves me more than anyone else in the entire world, LAUGHED at me.
Well, actually, it was more like SCOFFED.
It wasn't a chuckle, it wasn't a giggle, it wasn't a knowing smile and a shake of the head. It was an out and out scornful belly laugh.
And it hurt. I burst into tears.
I know I've vowed to lose weight before. And I haven't. I'm an emotional eater and there's been a bit of upheaval in my life lately. My kids moved out. Then we moved from FL to TN and within three months after we moved from the only place I've ever called home, my dear brother died. Last year was difficult, trying to find a job that I felt I could go to every day without dying inside, which took until May. Hating the apartment we live in, feeling like I have no friends here--which isn't completely true, there is one person but I don't want to cling to her like a drowning person...both my kids having kids and not living there to see the babies grow...
So, I'm sitting here at five til six in the morning, crying again because the love of my life just cannot understand what it's like to struggle with weight and how it feels to be mocked and jeered at and ignored because of it...
And he laughed.
I wish I could say that just inspired me to want to "show him", but it just made me want to go eat more chocolate. See? Emotional eater. I know it. I want to change it, I really do. I'm going to do something about it this year. Starting with baby steps.
I've lost a bunch of weight before--60 pounds--which went back on during the above-listed emotional upheavals. It was hard. I did it by basically eating the same thing every day. Obviously it was before I met my husband. I wonder how long it would take before he got sick of baked chicken? Yeah, I thought so.
But I'm really going to try this year. I just wish I had the support I crave. Why can't he just get over himself and the disappointments he feels and just support me?
It's not too much to ask, is it?
Funny what a difference a couple of days makes, isn't it?
Yesterday started out okay, work went okay, got off early (use it or lose it time) and went home and got a few things accomplished. Was going to fix supper then settle in and seriously work on some fic while hubby mired himself in the last (thank the gods) of the college football games.
Nice plan, eh?
Then he came home. It was great at first, he suggested we go out to eat. I was putting my shoes back on and getting a sweater on when I made my big mistake. And I really should know better by now--
I don't know what I was thinking, saying it out loud. That I'd get support or something, I guess.
I said I was going to try, after the first of the year, to get some weight off. And my husband, the person who supposedly loves me more than anyone else in the entire world, LAUGHED at me.
Well, actually, it was more like SCOFFED.
It wasn't a chuckle, it wasn't a giggle, it wasn't a knowing smile and a shake of the head. It was an out and out scornful belly laugh.
And it hurt. I burst into tears.
I know I've vowed to lose weight before. And I haven't. I'm an emotional eater and there's been a bit of upheaval in my life lately. My kids moved out. Then we moved from FL to TN and within three months after we moved from the only place I've ever called home, my dear brother died. Last year was difficult, trying to find a job that I felt I could go to every day without dying inside, which took until May. Hating the apartment we live in, feeling like I have no friends here--which isn't completely true, there is one person but I don't want to cling to her like a drowning person...both my kids having kids and not living there to see the babies grow...
So, I'm sitting here at five til six in the morning, crying again because the love of my life just cannot understand what it's like to struggle with weight and how it feels to be mocked and jeered at and ignored because of it...
And he laughed.
I wish I could say that just inspired me to want to "show him", but it just made me want to go eat more chocolate. See? Emotional eater. I know it. I want to change it, I really do. I'm going to do something about it this year. Starting with baby steps.
I've lost a bunch of weight before--60 pounds--which went back on during the above-listed emotional upheavals. It was hard. I did it by basically eating the same thing every day. Obviously it was before I met my husband. I wonder how long it would take before he got sick of baked chicken? Yeah, I thought so.
But I'm really going to try this year. I just wish I had the support I crave. Why can't he just get over himself and the disappointments he feels and just support me?
It's not too much to ask, is it?