rayvyn2k: cute icon (Can you believe the shit we deal with?)
I owe you all a long post, but this isn't it. So much has happened, good and bad and sometimes good turned into bad.

To top it all off, my 49 year old cousin had a stroke the other day. *sigh*

I'll post about my very interesting August after I finish a fic I owe.

I also owe a post on the books I've read for July--several--and August--maybe one.

Life. It is interesting.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
It's been a bad week.

I knew I should not have watched this Oprah show about domestic violence. The woman's husband had forced their son to videotape the abuse.

It was horrible. I couldn't stop watching. Everything that man did to her and more happened to me during my first marriage.

Watching the show triggered what I believe to be a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder type reaction in me. I have been crying, I'm hyper-vigilant, I've had "excessive startle response", nightmares to the point where I'm afraid to close my eyes at night and flashbacks to the worst period of my life.

My ex husband abused me emotionally and physically for the entire 2 1/2 years we were married.

He tried to kill me on our wedding night by crashing my side of the car into the back of a parked U-Haul truck. Obviously, he did not succeed, but to this day--I have trouble riding in the passenger side of a vehicle.

Things got worse from there.

So, it has not been a good week.

I wish I didn't have to go to work. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (not my day)
First of all, heard from my sister. She and her family are fine. Their house is mostly fine. They lost the fence around their pool and "their whole backyard", according to her. Except for their screened in porch, which her husband found a way to stake down. They have to replace most of the screens, but the structure is okay. They also lost their gutters and "a lot" of shingles from their roof. They are staying in central Florida with my Dad for the rest of the week and are getting a generator and some supplies to take back.

But, it's so hard, being here while they're THERE. I just want to do SOMETHING, anything, to help and all I can do is donate money to the Red Cross or some other charity since there's no mail or anything in that area yet.

Not only that, work is still a bitch and the only person who made it really bearable is mad at me (for good reason--she asked me to do something and I was a bitch about it. In my defense, I had just gotten off the phone with my sister...). Yesterday was awful and on top of that, when I got home hubby was in a foul mood too (I don't know why, he's off for the rest of the week!) so I was walking on eggshells all of last night.

I hope today is better.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Snape/Slytherin)
So, I'm feeling really down these days.
Long, bitchy work rant )

Anyway, work fucking sucks right now.

Not to mention the whole house is stalled and who knows if or when it'll get started again?

And now my car has decided it hates it's transmission. And for a car to be hatin' its transmission when it has to drive through hilly country...that's not good. (Anyone in the Middle Tennessee area know a good, trustworthy mechanic?)

And then I read my writing and just hate it all, think it's crap and want to give up on ever finishing my novel or my HP fanfic WIP.

So...the darkness is creeping in...I'm holding it off, but only just.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
10. The Beach
9. The Warm, wet air
8. The Ocean breeze.
7. The Year-round green vegetation.
6. Dunkin Donuts
5. Disney World
4. My family
3. My best friend Lisa
2. My sister Beth
1. My children Amanda and Adam
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
Feeling blue today. I don't know why I still expect anything like support from my hubby. I realize it has only been three weeks, but I am sticking to the diet plan so far and have lost weight. (Have to get a new scale this weekend to see how much, but the clothes fit a bit better.)
So, last night, feeling good because I had done so well this week even with being sick--walking down the stairs at work and not going near the evil candy room--I said something about see how good I'm being? And got a sarcastic look and remark back. Not only that, he didn't seem to want to be very sociable last night at all. I finally just went into the bedroom and watched tv for a bit until bedtime. When he came to bed he was all snuggly like usual, but I was hurt and it took a long time for me to fall asleep.
This morning, I was still feeling bad, but I'm determined to get some of this weight off. He was all "Is anything wrong?" and I just passed it off as a sleepless night. No sense getting into the same old "you've disappointed me so many times" argument we've had endlessly. I realize I've said it before and have fallen off the diets, but does that mean that all support goes by the wayside until I "prove" I'm serious this time? It's very hurtful, but I will not let it make me backslide.
There's a Curves not too far from where I live and I'm thinking of checking it out because I've heard lots of good things about it. It will depend on the cost, frankly.
Guess that's all for now. Just had to rant a bit. Thanks for reading.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
Just when I think things are FINALLY finally finally going my way just a LITTLE--

It's just useless. Pointless. No matter what "good" things happen, there's been some dark cloud following me around for years to fuck it all up.

What is it this time, you may ask?

Well, last year (as many of you know) I relocated from Florida (where I'd lived my entire life) to Tennessee with my husband. (The fuck ups that came after the big move? Shitty apartment, no friends, dead brother and two grandkids I will not get to know.) When we moved, we both had jobs here already. He was working at Dell Computers and I was working for SunTrust bank. We both hated these jobs. I thought I found a great job working for an ebay powerseller, but he turned out to be a prick who fired me after three days for NOTHING, AFTER he told me to quit my other job. Nice, eh? Then I tried to make a go of it by being an ebay seller myself. I couldn't make enough money, so I filed with a temp agency and they got me another job--with a customer service outfit for those info-mercials you see on tv. Yeah, pretty much the shit end of the csr world right there. It was terrible.

Then, I found the job I have now. The company is fairly small (less than a hundred employees) but is a division of a larger corporation so has great benefits, etc. They hired me in May--ostensibly to be a CSR, but they didn't have a training class set up because they were still hiring folks. So they let me do some things like inputting orders so I could learn about their procedures and then one day when all of the orders were caught up they asked me to answer some emails from the customers. Their website has an "ask us" type of feature, and there had not been any real attempt to answer emails on a regular basis, so they had stacked up pretty high. There was over 20k of emails in the queue. So, I started working on them.

I loved it from the start. I loved answering the questions for the customers, and finding the ones I didn't know. Sometimes I had to do some digging on the internet, but it was all good. I told the boss I thought I'd found Nirvana. I loved doing it, I would love to take ownership of it and I would be glad to figure out some methods to get through the numbers more quickly. She agreed and I jumped in. As I went along, I noticed that some of the same questions kept coming up so I wrote "standard responses" for those. Answers that could be copied and pasted and then sent, cutting down on the actual answer time and allowing me to respond to more. For months, I was the only person working on the emails. I was able to get them down to around 14k by myself.

I loved it. I loved going to work, I loved what I was doing, it was a joy to get up in the morning and go in to the job instead of a drudge. I didn't mind the hour-long commute, working overtime, being at my desk all day. For the first time in years, I loved my job.

So, they have been hiring more people, and when they got the phone CSRs all covered, they turned their attention to the email situation which I had been dealing with. Suddenly, it was important to get the email numbers down and a dedicated push was made to catch up by the end of the year. I was praised for the job I had already done, and told in my performance review that if I kept it up, I would be in line to be a lead in a future email department.

I should have known it was too good to be true. Remember that black cloud?

The email numbers have dropped down to about 300. Which is totally doable per day. I was thrilled. Finally, instead of making excuses, I would be making a difference and really helping folks in a timely manner.

Yesterday, I got called into a meeting. They told me what a great job I had done, and then they dropped the bomb on me. They are going to train me to go on the phone starting next week. Apparently they are getting a new system in next year which supposedly allows the CSRs to take calls and do emails...according to them "first in first out". I was gobsmacked. Devestated. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I couldn't believe it. They sat there grinning and saying things like "Isn't that great?" I tried not to cry and told them this was the worst possible news. I said I figured I would have to update my resume, but assurred them I would go along with things and still be their good employee, but I wasn't happy. Then I left the room, went back to my desk and broke down. I asked to see the manager who gave me some time. I went in to her office and I was so upset I couldn't speak at first. She guessed what I was upset about and then everything just poured out of me. How I'd basically carved out a perfect (for me) job, how I had been told all along that since I was so good at it and enjoyed it so much, I could continue to do it. How even SHE had said in my PR earlier that I was a candidate for email lead.

She then started with the "manager" speak. You've done such a great job. Think of what you've accomplished. You started out at the bottom of the mountain of emails and now you're at the top... I replied, and now I'm being kicked off as my reward. I told her I felt like I was being punished for doing such a good job. How I came to realize over the last year how much I HATED talking on the phone AT ALL, never mind to customers. She tried to tell me how she listens to calls and the customers aren't that bad. Oh, what a crock of shit. She can listen to what--10-20 calls per day, if that? And then she told me all about this wonderful system which is going to allow reps to do both phone calls and emails...and she said the first in first out thing again how sometimes you'll get a call and sometimes you'll get an email. I looked her in the eye and said to her that she knows as well as I do from working in a call center that if there's calls in the queue, the calls are going to have priority, not the emails. Why should I even pretend to believe that bullshit?

Then I told her I wasn't sure if I could do phones anymore and I asked her, bottom line, was there anything I could do to stay there and not be on the phone and was told no.

So, I'm sitting here, the next day, wondering what's the point? Why should I even try to snatch some happiness or joy? My life is one great big joke. Every time I think I've found something good, it gets fucked up.

I'm sick and tired of it.
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
But where is home? It doesn't feel like here right now. And when I think of Ft. Lauderdale, so much has changed in a year that it doesn't feel like home either. But I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and right now---that's not here.

Funny what a difference a couple of days makes, isn't it?

Yesterday started out okay, work went okay, got off early (use it or lose it time) and went home and got a few things accomplished. Was going to fix supper then settle in and seriously work on some fic while hubby mired himself in the last (thank the gods) of the college football games.

Nice plan, eh?

Then he came home. It was great at first, he suggested we go out to eat. I was putting my shoes back on and getting a sweater on when I made my big mistake. And I really should know better by now--

I don't know what I was thinking, saying it out loud. That I'd get support or something, I guess.

I said I was going to try, after the first of the year, to get some weight off. And my husband, the person who supposedly loves me more than anyone else in the entire world, LAUGHED at me.

Well, actually, it was more like SCOFFED.

It wasn't a chuckle, it wasn't a giggle, it wasn't a knowing smile and a shake of the head. It was an out and out scornful belly laugh.

And it hurt. I burst into tears.

I know I've vowed to lose weight before. And I haven't. I'm an emotional eater and there's been a bit of upheaval in my life lately. My kids moved out. Then we moved from FL to TN and within three months after we moved from the only place I've ever called home, my dear brother died. Last year was difficult, trying to find a job that I felt I could go to every day without dying inside, which took until May. Hating the apartment we live in, feeling like I have no friends here--which isn't completely true, there is one person but I don't want to cling to her like a drowning person...both my kids having kids and not living there to see the babies grow...

So, I'm sitting here at five til six in the morning, crying again because the love of my life just cannot understand what it's like to struggle with weight and how it feels to be mocked and jeered at and ignored because of it...

And he laughed.

I wish I could say that just inspired me to want to "show him", but it just made me want to go eat more chocolate. See? Emotional eater. I know it. I want to change it, I really do. I'm going to do something about it this year. Starting with baby steps.

I've lost a bunch of weight before--60 pounds--which went back on during the above-listed emotional upheavals. It was hard. I did it by basically eating the same thing every day. Obviously it was before I met my husband. I wonder how long it would take before he got sick of baked chicken? Yeah, I thought so.

But I'm really going to try this year. I just wish I had the support I crave. Why can't he just get over himself and the disappointments he feels and just support me?
It's not too much to ask, is it?
rayvyn2k: cute icon (Default)
I hate being depressed. Lately I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm ultra sensitive to everything. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere, including both work and home.
Where else is there? I don't feel like going to work and I don't feel like going home. I don't want to work...but my place is so damned depressing, I don't want to be there either. We don't have room to put up a tree, and we are wary of putting up any decorations because our kittens are just so wild right now, they would probably just tear them up when we are not home.
I don't have any real friends here, so I'm really lonely.
My family is so far away and I miss them so much...(you don't have to call me, sis!) I wish we could go there for the holiday but we cannot afford it.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all. It (used to be) my favorite holiday, but now it just seems like too much effort and the day will not be like it is back home...so I just feel like "why bother?"
My husband bought two of my gifts in front of me, so no shocks there...and I love opening gifts and being surprised.
I won't see the kids or grandkids getting and opening their gifts...
Shit, I better stop now.

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